The Unstoppable Cycle

Do you have a habit that is difficult to break? Are there aspects of your behavior that you’re trying your hardest to improve, but those behaviors creep up on you without realization? I know I do. The habit I’m referring to is stimming. Yep, Jessica and I both stim. Stimming is the repetitive movements, sounds, or words that occur in children and adults with autism. Examples of stimming include rocking back and forth, repetitive blinking, repeating words or phrases, even pulling hair. Believe it or not, neurotypical individuals stim as well 🙂. It’s just not as prevalent as it is in those on the autism spectrum.

Even though Jessica and I are identical twins, our stims are nothing alike. Jessica paces. I rock back and forth. We both repeat words and phrases. This sounds odd, but I spin around when I listen to music. Not sure why I do it, but it’s the gist of the whole post. I can tell you it gets the heart pumping 🙃, which is good. Lastly, I blink more often than most. At first, I thought it was because I’m near sighted. But, when I did research on reasons for excessive blinking, the autism spectrum was on the list. It made sense. The excessive blinking is the most uncomfortable stim I have. When it starts, it nearly impossible to stop.

I have to admit that there are times where I wished I was neurotypical: free of the autism spectrum. Why? Because communication and learning would be much easier. Also, the stimming wouldn’t be constant. Life would be easier basically. I know that I have stated that my disability is a blessing and not a curse. I still call it a blessing. It’s just that there are certain aspects in my behavior that I wish I can turn off like a light switch. The stims for example. There are days where I try my best to not stim, even when I’m alone. I’m pretty good at that when I’m at work. However, when I go to the restroom, they rush back. Stimming is easy for me to control, but impossible to stop completely.

As far as wishing to be neurotypical, I know that the best thing to do is to accept the way God made me. Knowing God makes no mistakes is a huge comfort. The stims will continue. The communication and learning deficits will be there until the day God calls me to His Kingdom. Therefore, the struggle of improving my communication skills continues. There will be days where I wish I was neurotypical because autism is a daily challenge. However, God’s sacrifice of His Son was a much bigger challenge (John 3:16). So, the best thing I can do is smile, put one foot in front of the other, and keep reminding myself that GOD MAKES NO MISTAKES.

“Society says I’m autistic. God says I’m perfect.”- Autism Parenting Magazine