There’s Another Struggle

Along with being on the Spectrum, there’s something that I have struggled with since childhood. Something that’s common among autistic and neurotypical individuals. Something that can suck the happiness out of those suffering from it. That something is self esteem, along with mental health.

In middle school, I was bigger than the other girls in my class. I was tall, overweight, had cornrows on my head, and wore big glasses. I wore baggy clothes to hide my body. The most painful experience in school was being teased. I was taunted by other kids due to my outer appearance. I was called jelly bean giant and ugly (in middle school that is). The teasing occurred from middle school until I graduated high school. However, I still had friends and made the honor roll multiple times. I mentioned in earlier posts that my social life was active throughout my school years. It made going to school more tolerable for me.

Throughout my 20’s, my mental health was the main concern. I noticed I was trembling, lacked energy to do things I enjoyed, and had suicidal thoughts. I no longer cared about how I looked on the outside. I stopped dressing up, wearing makeup, and stay deserted. In December of 2010, I told my mother about the suicidal thoughts. She immediately took me to the mental hospital. I stayed there for two weeks. In 2011, shortly after New Year’s Day, I was diagnosed with Major Depressive Disorder (MDD), as well as Anxiety. Getting treatment gave me hope that everything was going to be okay. Fortunately, I was able to get a job and finish school. I dressed up again, went shopping, and socialized. However, that sense of dread was still within me.

This sense of dread caused me to snap. I was angry at the world, including my own family. There was a tone in my voice that caused discomfort in others. I took things that did not belong to me. The men I pursued (and vice versa) were not ideal. Why was I angry? Simply because I did not accept myself. The thought that the world would be better off without me was constant. I did not want to live life as an Autie. I felt useless.

This all changed in April of 2019. I came across a motivational speaker named Rachel Hollis. She was discussing her latest book, “Girl Stop Apologizing.” Not long after, I felt a calling from the Holy Ghost saying, “Veronica, I forgive you for your transgressions. I will always love you no matter what. Now, start a blog.” I was like, “Lord, I thank you for your forgiveness. I love you too. But what?”

That calling stayed with me for six months. I tried to forget about it, thinking that it was temporary. I mean, I’ve been journaling since I was in fifth grade. The thought of making them public horrified me. Despite the fear, the thought still overtook my mind. Because of this, I have decided to take a leap of faith!

Fast forward to today; An Unique Mind launched in October of 2019. It’s still young, but it’s amazing to finally do what the good Lord placed on my heart and mind. I realize that I no longer have to hide my traits (due to being an Autie). They are just a part of God’s creation of me 🙂 That feeling of dread has dissolved and I’m currently reconciling with my family. I am working full time as well; something I previously thought was impossible. I always knew doing what God calls us to do causes one blessing after another. But to actually do it; that’s a whole other ball game. No turning back. No turning back.

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